I used to run. I even did two 10-mile runs and raised some pretty decent amounts of money by doing it. Then, in 2009, my back began telling me something was wrong, but I was too involved in my career to hear it. I was too focused in worrying and stressing out over things that really didn’t matter: work, money, work again, less money, more work, slightly more money, more work, and more stress. Finally, in summer 2010 I had to stop. After several trips to the emergency room, countless medical tests, my back gave me a big fat “I told you so” and I had to quit my job.
During the last 3 years, I’ve encountered many back specialists, therapists of all kinds, I have tried several treatments, heard different diagnoses, have had my body scanned left, right and centre. I started doing Pilates – which meant I could do things like walking my dog, or even riding a bike now and then. The only thing that was certain, was that I couldn’t run, or jump, or stand for more than a couple of hours. It turned out I also couldn’t really sit for a few hours either, so again, I lost a second job.
The human brain is a curious thing. When someone tells you that you can’t do something, then you really want to do it.
Even when I could run, I really didn’t get it completely. I just did it for charity, because I could, because it was good for me…but not because I wanted to. I used to wonder when running outside, “why am I running? No one is chasing me! This hurts!” Then at the gym, at the treadmill, I felt like a lycra-clad hamster. However, when back therapists and doctors told me that running may never be in the cards for me, that’s when it really hit me. And it hit me in the form of anxiety, depression and A LOT of rage.
Then one day, I watched Eddie Izzard’s Believe, a documentary on his life and his pursuit of many goals, including his career.
“You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup.
You have to believe you can act before you can act.
You have to believe you can be an astronaut
before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe.”
The brilliant Eddie Izzard is a hugely successful comedian, an actor, and now, also a runner. I watched in awe while he ran 43 marathons in 51 days around the UK. Recently I watched how he attempted to run 27 marathons in 27 days, as a tribute to Nelson Mandela. He didn’t manage to complete this challenge because, basically, his body told him to f*ck off.
Which is, really, what tends to happen when you are convinced you can do something, but then life has other plans. Watching Eddie, I began to believe I could run because… why not? Except my back kept telling me to, you guessed it, f*ck off.
I would get angry, yell, quietly curse at runners in the park – I’m really silly when I’m jealous – feel depressed when my friends signed up to runs I had to watch from the side. I could tell my body “hey you, you can do pilates, you can walk up stairs, why can’t you run a little?” My body would still tell me to f*ck off.
Even with my legs, hips, knees and back refusing to cooperate, I dreamt of doing it all. I imagined myself running miles and miles, completing marathons, winning an Olympic medal. I pictured myself doing amazing things.
Why am I telling you this? Because , yesterday I bought a new pair of trainers…
And, because today, June 20th 2013, I imagined no more. … I ran.
No photoshop, just pasty-white and out-of-breath me. Early am. So glamorous
Barely a 2 km run, and at a speed so slooooow, birds wouldn’t even move out of my way – I’m pretty sure a couple of pigeons actually mocked me. I finished exhausted, light headed, almost collapsing as I walked through my front door.
My 7 year old mini dachshund mix, after the run, continued to jump up and down sofas – mocking me, animals tend to do this around me – wrecking his toys apart by shaking them non-stop. It felt like when Carrie Bradshaw fell on the catwalk and Heidi Klum walked over her. My dog being Heidi, a fabulous athletic creature of German origin.
I don’t know if I will be able to run a marathon, but what I did today is already pretty cool. I don’t know if I will be able to run fast, or if my back will allow me to jog regularly, but stretching afterwards, then eating my big breakfast with the best tasting coffee (EVER!!!) felt insanely good. As @karleensmith told me over Twitter:
@fashionlimbo no other feeling like it. It’s the superhero effect 🙂 x
— Karleen Smith (@karleensmith) June 20, 2013
“the superhero effect”
I’m dedicating my first run to those around me that, knowingly or not, helped me run today: Rob, Daniela, Luli and my awesomely brilliant back therapist Ramon Gassó. They made me ready for this, with their support and advice.
And then there’s the great runners out there, that have made me dream of being them. That every time I heard them talk of their running achievements, I thought “I’ll do the same some day”. The amazing Bangs from bangsandabun.com and spikesandheels.com, who is a genius when it comes to motivating the masses. Then there’s lovely Gemma retrochick.co.uk and her health & fitness blog lipsticklettucelycra.co.uk. There are so many inspirational women and men in Twitter … I can’t name all of you, but you know who you are.
Marta & Laura, two teenie-weenie running-addicts from Madrid who are so bloody “chulas” I adore them, and my aunt Sylvia, whom I repeatedly watched leaving her house on bloody cold mornings in London, to run around her neighbourhood like a trooper.
And basically everyone that believed in me, told me to forget about the naysayers and focus on what I wanted to do.
Life begins when you realise you are capable of doing amazing stuff.
Pictures: Fashion Limbo
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