The complexity behind the smile

I don’t know what it is… but working in the creative arts often comes at a price. Whether it’s deep-seeded insomnia from an over-working mind, panic attacks stemming from insecurities, or months spent paralysed fearing failure or God knows what. Actors have it, writers have it, musicians suffer from it. Even comedians fail at “laughing off” such demons.

I once met a guy who was great at making everyone around him smile. He wasn’t a close friend of mine, but I know he was a devoted husband and a loving father. What made him take his life no one will ever know, but what is certain is that it was no easy choice, or a quick way out. It was something that came from desperation.

A few years back I remember admiring Alexander McQueen’s work, thinking of him as a national treasure, someone that added to Britain’s creative greatness. He too, took his own life. I remember telling my boss at the time about the sad news, to which she replied “What a selfish thing to do. I have no respect for anyone that commits suicide”. Back then, I lacked the words and courage to jeopardise my job and tell her how shallow and mistaken her words were.

Two weeks ago, I opened my eyes to a very cold bedroom. Instead of braving it and jumping out of bed, I stayed under the duvet for a short while. While I don’t like to check any social media or emails first thing in the morning, I chose to look at my Instagram, and the third picture I saw was one of Robin Williams, a fan lamenting his death. I felt a sudden pain in my chest, and got out of bed.

I never met Robin Williams, but his work, especially his stand-up comedy routines, hold a very special place in my heart. They remind me of a beautiful time of my life when I fell in love with a man and everything that was connected to him. Some of Williams’ films take me back to my childhood, afternoons at the cinema, with sugary gum sweets that stuck to my fingers. 

As I said, I never made his acquaintance, but that morning, after hearing the news of his passing I found it hard to stop crying. I still well up when I see any of the beautiful tributes that have popped up over the last days. 

We will never really know all of the reasons, everything that troubled him, the facts that had him turn to suicide. He was incredibly talented and it is no secret that a lot of his comedy was propelled as some sort of automatic response to cover his own demons. 

I never knew him, but I know he was a wonderful man, just like many more that we lose to suicide, that fall victims of depression. Emotional issues don’t come from a lack of intelligence, like I was once told. I’ve heard “get over it” way too many times. While it can be difficult to find the “right” things to say, there are also many wrong things to say. No one seeks to suffer this much, it’s not a conscious, or selfish choice.

Sometimes it’s not the circumstances you live, or things you can change. Sometimes it’s rooted deep within. Sometimes it comes with being so connected to your emotions, that you can be a comedian, or write, draw, perform, create things with such intensity, they touch strangers, hundreds of thousands of miles away.

I really don’t know what it is…

What I do know is that after his death, Robin Williams continues to live. His contribution to this world is too great, too beautiful and too powerful to simply disappear.

The ultimate fashion tip

If there is one tip that I find actually works, and that can be applied to states of stress, depression, sickness, nervousness, moments in which everything surpasses me, it’s to make the effort to look good. Whether by styling my crazy hair, getting out of the pyjama bottoms – I could live in them – or applying some make-up. It works.

It’s about feeling good about myself, whenever I catch my reflection in the mirror or on a shop window. If I look good, I have something less to fret about, adding ease of mind and helping me feel better. Think about the opposite: if I do nothing, go out without washing my face or choose the beaten up old pair of yoga trousers to dress for the post office, it’s
very likely I will soon regret not having made a slight effort.
Why give myself the extra worry? It can take less than five minutes. These are my rules:

1 – Regarding make up, bucket loads are not required. Maybe mascara and some lipgloss, or just some foundation and a light blush. Personally, I feel made up with just some brown eyeliner, concealer to cover some dodgy areas and lip balm.

2 – Never underestimate the power of a nice fragrance. It’s been scientifically proven – that’s “Jess talk” for I read it somewhere – that people wearing perfume feel better about themselves. I love refreshing body sprays, no fuss and quick to apply after a nice shower.

3 – Invest in some nice loungewear, or ask for it on your next birthday. It’s not the same to walk around the house in your pyjamas – which is absolutely fine to do once a week, with a tub of ice cream, and The Good Wife on repeat -, than to do so with some nice-fitting cotton trousers and a flattering top. This applies especially if you work from home. It’s just too tempting to make no effort, and speaking by experience, it eventually will make you feel pretty miserable.

If it works for me, it can work for you. Whatever you are going through, whatever is making you curse your life at the moment, you deserve to feel better, you deserve to be happy about the way you look. You deserve to smile. Never forget about yourself.

Picture: Fashion Limbo

Thirty years of purple

Thirty years ago our lives became more purple. Thirty years since a short guy from Minneapolis fooled those who thought he was shy and insecure. The world became sexier, all because of Purple Rain. Prince was the audacious mind behind the project, an album and a film.

I was too young to understand the complexity of Prince’s catalogue, but I vividly remember – it is one of my earliest memories – asking my father why he seemed overwhelmed in front of the audience he was about to perform to. My father explained that he was hugely talented, but also quite shy. That’s the myth, that the man to become one of the most influential figures in music, lacked confidence. He soon got rid of that image by shocking audiences with his raunchy performances, explicit lyrics – Darling Nikki for starters – and overtly sexual album covers.

I grew up loving this man. I stole my brother’s Batman soundtrack to listen to Vicky Waiting on repeat. Playing Get Off really loudly, I heard my shocked mother scream from the kitchen “What did he just say?!” At the time I innocently ignored my mother’s question, but this is how the controversial lyrics went:

“I clocked the jizz from a friend of your’s named Vanessa Bet, Bet
She said you told her a fantasy that got her all wet, wet
Something about a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside
What she told me then got me so hot I knew that we could slide”

Purple Rain was how Prince came into my life. His eyeliner, the high heels, the gorgeous jackets, everything about his style had me in awe.

If there was one song that changed my life, it was When Doves Cry. The opening with the mesmerising guitar rift, the pulsating beat, the lyrics, have had me obsessed since childhood. It remains one of my favourite tunes ever, to the point that if a song reminds me of it, it instantly becomes part of my playlist. Jessie Ware’s latest release, Tough Love, has me thinking me of Prince’s original, and I love it.

And another song with heavy purple vibes, Colour Of Moonlight, the song that introduced me to Grimes. If you know of any other piece of work that you think is influenced by When Doves Cry, do let me know.
Thirty years on, Prince is still everywhere.

Picture: Prince, Warner Bros.